It was July 2020, and I was not having a good month, but I was about to get some news that would punch my spirit down even further. For context, this was about three months into the pandemic, people were freaked out, I was halfway through having all of my remaining teeth pulled because three abscessed before Xmas of 2019 leaving me in crippling pain without access to a dentist for half a year**, my pacemaker battery was failing with me being completely pacer dependent, and I had been eating my face off to cope with all of it.
That is how I found myself in a moment I had been avoiding for about a year. I stopped weighing myself in the summer of 2019 because I just didn't want to know anymore. I didn't stop eating, just stepping on the scale because it hurt my feels. Well, when the day came to get my replacement pacemaker in July of 2020 I couldn't avoid it. They have to weigh you so the anesthesiologist knows what he's working with. I couldn't avoid the scale that day.
"How much do you weigh?"
"Oh, around 280 lbs."
[ stares ]
"How long ago was that?"
"What do you mean? A while ago, I guess. I don't really worry about it."
"I think we'd better get a current weight."
365 lbs. 365 fucking lbs. That is what I had blimped up to. I had been avoiding the scale for a reason.
I mean, it's kind of hard to make a day worse if you're about to have surgery under local anesthetic and you're a person that local anesthetic hardly works on at all (did I mention I was having teeth extracted?) so I was about to feel the pacer replacement. It's hard to make that worse, but this did. It turned out to be the part of the day that hurt the most.
This is because back in 2014 I had gotten my weight down to about 210 lbs with a lot of effort and I was proud of that. To have let things go like that in five or so years... I was ashamed. And I made a decision. I would undo it.
It's Nov 4, 2026 and I turn 58 today. I weighed myself this morning and I'm 178 lbs. That's a bit overweight at my height and I'm still trying to work my way down to 150 lbs - the eventual goal. I hope I get there, but this time I'm staying under 180 lbs no matter what.
I asked a doctor to give me an assist getting back into the green. I get help from a weight loss injection so I'm not starving all the time. It's hard to keep the weight off when your system is so broken that you can be on your third helping and full but still starving at the same time. With the injections I eat a reasonable portion and am actually full now. The broken switch in my system works again for regulating appetite. Anyone who thinks the meds are cheating or that I'm weak for having this problem can fuck off. I'm a 34 year sober alkie and I can tell you that turning down another drink has never been as hard as me turning down a donut without these meds. They're a life saver.
I exercise and stretch regularly these days. Lots of walking. Exercise bands. Some VR exercise games. Calisthenics. They help. I think the biggest thing, though, was the change to clean eating. I did this about three years ago. The meds help, but they don't do much if you're living on Hostess Ding Dongs, but only less of them. Real health needs real food.
I mostly no longer eat pre-packaged, processed foods. I'll buy the occasional box of breaded chicken patties or a pre-made meal, but only after checking the label to see how bad it is. There are limited good choices out there and I aim for those. Mostly, my meals are cooked from scratch and I know what's in them. I avoid deep fried stuff, refined sugar, candy, etc. It helps. I not only have a lot more energy, but it wiped out my depression and my high blood pressure. No longer need meds for either. That's nice.
I think what I like most is having gone from sizes 3X and 4X to size M, meaning that there are lots of clothes on the discount racks that fit me these days. It's always the plus sizes that run out first because most people are plus sized these days (hopefully GLP1 drugs will help change that for others because they deserve to feel this good, too).
The biggest surprise for me is how my cravings have flipped. I used to look at KFC ads and salivate. Now I see a fast food ad and it grosses me out. My stomach literally churns involuntarily. I look at pan fried green beans and start salivating. I often tuck into veggies before meat, which is 180 degrees from me as a kid. Strictly meat and carbs, please. And would you mind running the potato through the fryer first? Thanks.
So when you see me with a bowl of yogurt and banana slices, that's me trying to maintain a healthier me and enjoying it more than I ever loved a Big Mac. When I showed up to a 12 Step program in 1992 I was trying to switch to clean living, but I never thought this is where I'd wind up. Who knew.
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** It took three months to get clearance from a cardiologist for the dental work and it arrived at the same time all dentists were locked down for COVID when you couldn't get dental work done anywhere even in an emergency situation like mine because of the risk of heart valve infection (which makes them moving so slowly on clearance ironic).